No this isn’t about a Mandy Moore film, and if you don’t know what I am talking about, well then shame on you.
Here’s a visual for those still baffled by my reference.
A week ago, I was sitting at the circulation of the desk, listening to Christmas music, creating the facade of working on homework. This was also the night that a good friend came to the front desk to visit me. Knowing me to be the bibliophile that I am, he asked me what I was currently reading. I held up my copy of John Updike’s short stories.
Now my friend is a deeply devoted Christian with a radical love for God. When he say what I was reading he asked me about the content and I was honest and told him how stories we were reading dealt with religious doubt and infidelity. He grimaced at my response. Then, ever so gently he asked me a question that I had not been able to answer for myself, let alone anyone else.
“How do you deal with it?”
I replied with what I thought should be the perfect answer—and after saying it, I wondered if I really followed this myself.
“Well, its not always easy, but sometimes when I’m reading something really difficult I pull out my bible and read scripture to help comfort me.”
This is not to say that I don’t do this, but I don’t think I do it as often as I should because there are many times when in those moments of reading harrowing literature that directly questions everything I believe in, sometimes, my Bible feels too heavy to pick up. Sometimes, I just want to rest in the tears and those struggles because they help me understand myself as a Christian. Sure it’s extremely difficult to know that some of my beloved authors had no faith, but I also grow from their perspectives, and sometimes I grow even stronger in my faith because they were brave enough to ask those questions.
I'm in an interesting position as a lover of my faith and a lover of literature because there are times where it seems as though they cannot exist in tandem. Sometimes, reading literature troubles my heart, and it aches with the daunting questions that many authors have asked without receiving any answer. However, its in those moments of dread, fear, and sorrow that I am reminded that I am His and He is mine. It's in these moments that I realize that more than anything that all ,I yearn to be is the vessel for my faith, to write the fiction that will help expose my heart for God.
I don't think I could ask for anything better.
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